Christmas Carols with Genitals

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Jesus Hates Christmas Music Too

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Drink Up, Smoke Up, and Sing Your Heart Out

by Matt Meade

So, I fucking hate Christmas.  I hate it for all the same reasons you do.  I hate the crass commercialism, the fact that there isn’t a war on Christmas but there should be; I hate it for the weather, and for the worship of a baby who may or may not have ever existed, or if he did was just a dude like you or me who probably hated Christmas too.  But the thing I hate the most about this time of year is Christmas music.

With no such thing as a Thanksgiving carol we go straight from the Silver Shamrock Halloween Song into two full months of Mariah Carey and Bing Crosby.  It can make you nuts.

You may not know this, I didn’t for years, (and if you see or talk to Jesus tell him too) but there is actually good Christmas music out there.  And I am not just talking about the bizare and paranoid parts from The Nutcracker Suite, the downright frantic Carol of the Bells, or that RUN DMC song that Aristotle from Head of the Class is playing in the opening scene of Die Hard.  There are legit rock bands who play Christmas music that does not make you want to splatter your brains all over the Beats display at your local electronics big box store.

Here is a collection of songs from some folks we have reviewed, interviewed, or who have generally been on our minds this year.  There is even a youtube playlist at the end which includes most of these songs as well as over 90 minutes of Christmas songs by really great artists singing really cool Christmas music.   It also includes Miley Cyrus singing “All I want for Christmas is You.”

Lara Hope and the Ark-Tones

Santa Clause is Back in Town

There is something about this band playing a hip, swinging Christmas song that makes sense.  Like some kind of buxum Brian Setzer Orchestra, or corset wearing Tony Bennet, when Lara Hope and her Ark-Tones play the Leiber & Stoller tune “Santa Clause is Back in Town” they do it with the panache and the swagger of pros trying to sex up your boring holiday.

Benjamin Shaw & Fighting Kites

This Christmas (I Just Want to be Left Alone)

I don’t make it a secret that Benjamin Shaw’s depressive attitude suits my temperament.  His song about feeling alienated and frustrated, holding his breath until the holiday passes by like a cop with a flashlight searching a park for vandals is how most of us feel.  Suicide might not actually occur most frequently at Christmastime, but it sure feels like it.

Youngest Son

All Souls’ Day EP

How about a Christmas gift? Through Christmas, Youngest Son’s All Souls’ Day EP, including the hymn cover “We Rest On Thee,” is free to download.

Here is what I said about it back in July:

All Souls’ Day … is the spiritual sibling of Youngest Son’s 2012 release All Saint’s Day. There are more whispered admissions, more tender canticles about dawn and hope and whatever happens after things end.

If you don’t want to read the whole review, just know that Steve Slagg is a super talented musician and his work is well worth listening to,

Download the EP here: http://youngestsonmusic.com/allsoulsday

Molly Durnin

Snowman

While not technically a Christmas song, it takes place during the right season and god damn if it ain’t slinky.

Me and the Horse I Rode in On

Driving Home For Christmas

Me and the Horse I Rode in On is a labelmate of Uncle Rico, and by “labelmate” I mean possibly the same person.  The tune is melancholy, doleful and turns on the notion of lost opportunities and being stuck smack dab in between the rock of one’s past and the hard place of one’s future.  I guess we all are.

Sherwin Sleeves

Christmas La La Song

Any song with “la la las” in it is better than any other song.

Mineral Girls

Merry Christmas, I Hate Your Guts (from SAD HOLIDAY by Scaredy Cat Records)

This is pretty much my favorite Christmas song of all time, but only because I hate your guts.  It’s from a collection Scaredy Cat Records put together in 2013 and it captures the sentiments of many of us who have a hard time keeping up the act during this time of year.  The whole drunken, depressive endeavor of a record is well worth a listen, but obviously this is the best song on the record.

Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band

I’m Giving Plasma For Christmas This Year

“Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do,” an unnamed audience member tells the good reverend when he reveals the name of this little number during a live performance in Dayton, OH in 2008.  Truer words were never spoken.

Be safe this Christmas and do what you gotta do to make it through to next year.  We want to see all of you back in 2015 because we can’t afford to lose any of our readership.  Happy Fucking Christmas, you maniacs.

Check the 29 song playlist: